I'm not terribly sad to see 2009 go. It wasn't a horrid year, per se, but there were just a lot of things I discovered about myself that I realized really needed to change. This New Year is not going to be an easy year for me, personally, but I have faith that I will get what I need this year. It may not be what I want, and I may not understand the why behind the what, but I need to remember that it's not for me to know the Master Plan. I'm just meant to accept it... and go with the flow.

This morning, I woke up to the sound of pouring rain. And, aside from a certain Skid Row song popping into my head, I immediately thought this was a fitting beginning for me as I enter the New Year. After all, rain is one of the most cleansing acts of nature (without being as destructive as fire). As I heard the rain fall on the rooftop, I savored the sound of it. For, like water in a baptismal fount, I imagined the rain washing away the hurt and disappointment and frustration of 2009. And I could also see it watering the seeds of hope and love and happiness I planted for 2010.

I realized a few days ago that I received, in 2009, a gift I had wanted for a long time: completions and connections left from past years. I reconnected with a number of old friends - good friends of yesteryear - and even had the chance to see someone who, at another point in my life, was my best friend, confidant, and, well, everything. And being able to touch base with him, to know how life is treating him, to count him once again among my close friends - that was a true gift.

And, so, my wish for 2010 - not just for me, but for everyone (whether or not I call them "friends") is simple. I wish for patience, clarity, courage, faith, and, of course, health. Patience, so that we truly appreciate the gifts given to us in the form of each day without trying to divine the future; Clarity, so that we can each realize what it is we want in our lives (and recognize it when we see it); Courage, so that we are able to take necessary steps - no matter how painful they may be - to make changes in our lives for improvement; Faith, so that we can trust that everything happens for a reason, even if it is not for us to know at this time; and Health, so that we are able to enjoy everything life has to offer us.

Waking to the sound of rain made me realize that 2010 may well be a Delta year for me: a year of change. And you know... I'm really looking forward to it.

As part of my annual tradition, I felt it necessary to post my resolutions for 2010. I've revisited my 2009 list several times and know I've hit the mark on some and failed miserably on others, but that's an entirely different post.

Like prior years, making this list was challenging. I wanted to reuse many of the ones from prior years, but that's a cop-out and against my rules. And since I've started down this enlightening path of self-discovery, I think that should be my focus for 2010.

1. I will take care of myself - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. This does not mean that I will go to the gym religiously every day or start going to mass every Sunday. It does, however, mean that I will take care to make choices that don't hurt me and especially focus on those things that help me grow into a better person - or, at least, a person I really like.

2. I will shed some excess baggage - of both the physical and emotional kind. There is a great quote in one of my favorite songs by U2: "Love is not the easy thing. The only baggage you can bring is all that you can't leave behind." And let's face it - we all have baggage. So I am committing this year - and in future years - to forgive myself, not look back, and leave it behind. This also means sorting through those things I'm keeping for sentimental reasons and deciding, once and for all, if I'm (a) going to do anything with them (and if I am, I need to commit to a plan) or holding onto them for reasons no one would ever understand if I were to suddenly die tomorrow. And if it's the latter, it's time to let go.

3. I will find a positive spin on whatever life throws my way. I've been very sad this year. There have been moments of great highs for me, but for the most part, I've been sad. "Defeated", even, as one dear friend noted after receiving an e-mail I wrote. And I'm generally not an unhappy person. So I will take a cue from "Better Things" by the Kinks (my theme song for 2010): "Be an optimist instead, and somehow happiness will find you." Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel really is a light. It's not always a speeding train.

4. I will write - creatively this time. Creative writing used to be a passion. There was a time I had a million stories in my head and my fingers couldn't fly fast enough on the keyboard to keep up. I want to get back to that point. Blogging (which I've let fall to the side) and micro-blogging (which I've done excessively on Facebook) aside, I feel like I need to let myself be creative again, even if it's just to pretend for a few moments a day that I'm living in an alternate universe of my creation.

5. I will do things that make me happy and avoid those things that don't. This is really the all-encompassing resolution, I suppose, but I think it's the most important one. There are a lot of things that make me happy that I don't do, and just as many things I do that don't make me happy. I need to take strides to reverse that.

So, that's it. A shorter list than the previous years', but a difficult list of important resolutions nonetheless.

I just happened to revisit my Vox account and realized that I've been absent for almost 6 months. That means it's been 6 months since I sat down to just freely write. And that's 6 months too long.

I wish I could say that life has been really blah while I was gone. To be honest, I really started posting more and more stuff on Facebook and reconnecting with old friends. And I've been out living life, as I ought.

I took a few minutes to revisit my posts from 2009, and, well, it's kind of amazing how much The Boy has grown and changed, and I'm so intrigued to see how I've grown as a person. I feel like I'm kind of getting the hang of this motherhood thing, like I can take that role in stride now and not let it be my primary focus. As such, I've started wearing short skirts again and occasionally heels, and I'm taking better care of myself. That's not to say that I gave up wearing jeans, of course. I still wear them, but they're a little more fashionable now and not simply utilitarian.

Recent introspection has made me realize that I really haven't been myself for a while. I took a trip up to New York the weekend after Halloween and kind of found myself again. I saw glimpses of a younger, happier, more vibrant Eileen and realize that's the real me. That's the Eileen I need to get back to.

So, this past month has been interesting, at best, as I rediscover myself. Basically, I'm the same person, but I'm taking steps to figure out - and go after - what I want and be the kind of person I want to be. I feel like an amarylis bulb that was sitting dormant in the ground for such a long time, now finally blessed with the right conditions that are enabling me to bloom once more.

And it's a great feeling.

BRICK LANE

Me armastasime seda filmi! Mul tekkis kohe kange soov Indiasse minna, nii ruttu kui võimalik. Ma armusin silmapilkselt sellesse soundtracki, selle naispeategelase olekusse ja tema õhulistesse india riietesse. Tuleb tunnistada, et sain sellest filmist romantika-laksu, sellise päris tõsise. Naise ja tema uue armukese vahelised stseenid ja piisavalt palju mõtteruumi jätnud momendid andsidki selle mõnusa koguse romantikat kätte. Olime siin Silveriga ikka õhinas ja vaatasime suurte silmadega, mis edasi saab!

Algul tundus natuke etteaimatava süžeega, kuid hästi mõnus oli fakt, et filmis puudusid täielikud kõiksugused lihtsakoelised juhtumid - mingid autoõnnetused ja mõttetused. Tegelastel olid tugevad isiksused ja kõik toimis suurepäraselt. Lõpp oli viispluss, poolhea-poolnegatiivne-poolmõtteruumijättev. S.o.o.v.i.t.a.n!

La môme ehk La vie en rose ehk Edith Piaf

Mida rohkem me vaatasime, seda närvilisemaks muutusime ja seda rohkem toolidel nihelema hakkasime. See filmi tükeldamine mõjus hästi vastikult, igalt poolt imbus meisse sellist sünget masendavat meeleolu, peategelane muutus eemaletõukavaks... Filmi lõpp saabus meile kauaoodatult, meeleldi oleksime kümneid minuteid edasi kerinud, et lihtsalt närve säästa.

Kokkuvõttes  - siiski keskmisest paremini välja kukkunud, aga ei midagi meeldejäävat. Iseloomustaksin sõnaga vastik ja masendav. Give me some contrast and brightness, thank you!

The Majestic. Another Jim Carrey serious-film. Mulle NII NII NII meeldib Jim Carrey tõsistes osades. Juba "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"'is võlus ta mind oma suurepärase näitlejaoskusega, aga selles filmis oligi põhimõtteliselt ainus, mis mind toolile naelutas, tema meisterlik näitlemine. Ma ei tea, mis see täpselt on, can't put my finger on it, aga kaldun arvama, et ta haldab oma näoilmeid lihtsalt nii meisterlikult, ei midagi üleliigset. VÄGA inimlik! Ma ei suuda ühtegi teist näitlejat leida sellist, kes oskaks nii inimlikult olukordadele reageerida. Kümme pluss!

Küll aga sakkis see film muus osas, algus oli paljulubav, vaatamata aeglasele tempole oli filmis piisavalt palju müsteeriumit ja segadust, tõotas tulla midagi sürreaalset ja geniaalset... aga mida lähemale lõpule... seda unisemaks ma muutusin. Lõpu magasin täielikult maha - Silver jutustas pärast ja vandus, et küll oli sitt film. Ei mingit puänti. Oeh. Ei soovita eriti vaadata... Kui välja jätta Jim Carrey (ja tegelikult ka teiste näitlejate) puhas näitlejameisterlikkuse jälgimine. I say... 5 points.

Ehk The Counterfeiters. Ohoh, 2007. aasta film? Päris hea. Ühesõnaga, saksa film, vaatasime teda Silveriga mõned head päevad tagasi. Tuleb tunnistada - väga nauditav natsiteemaline teos. (Muideks, lugesin üle oma FRIDA postituse ja sain aru, et sõnale "film" tuleb tingimata paar sünonüümi leida, väga vastik korduv sõna.)

Ei mingisugust üleliiast vägivalda, hoopistükis teise nurga alt lähenetud - näidatakse neid, kel koonduslaagris teiste ees eelised. Nimelt suurepärased võltsimisoskused ja trükkimiskogemused. Natsid soovivad valeraha, eriti inglise naelu, sest teine maailmasõda on lõppemas, Saksa riigil on rahavarudega nigel olukord ja on tarvis kuskile investeerida. Naturaalne, head näitlejad, hea vaheldus Hollywoodist.

Mulle igatahes meeldis too film pea kõige rohkem nendest, mis viimasel ajal nähtud. Pealegi - põhineb tõsielul, always a plus. I give 8 points. Lovely. 

Selles suures tööootamises ja väikeses ahistavas vangistusetundes oleme hakanud Silveriga taas filme vaatama. Laenutame filme sellisest kohast nagu Blockbuster's, seal pole küll maailma parim videovalik, ent suhteliselt soodne tehing. 10 dollari ehk saja krooni eest näiteks saab 7 vanemat väljalaset.

Esimene sellise diili film sattus meil olema Frida, jutustus mehhiko maalikunstnikust Frida Kahlost ning tema kannatustest.

Filmi lõpus sain aru, et olen seda filmi ka kunagi varem näinud, usutavasti ETV-st, aga ainult filmi lõppu. Sestap lõpu ära tundsingi, ma eeldan.

Igal juhul, väga kaasahaarav vaatamine, filmi alul kartsin, et saab olema pisut igav "kunstipärane" film, sest Frida dialoogid sõpradega ja tolle tulevase abikaasa (kas ma tõesti olen nime juba ära unustanud? Tüüpiline.) vahel olid igavad ja mittemidagiütlevad. Aga trolley-stseen kullaga oli kuldaväärt. Vaheklipid maailmast, kuidas Frida seda võis näha, täiesti hindamatud... Traagiline ja meeldejääv. Mõnus Mehhiko hõng, värvid, passioon.

Loved it.